Not good enough
by Vicious-Loner
Summary: Leon finds Cloud's stash of porn and takes it as a personal failure. They're lovers after all, isn't he good enough? Cleon one-shot.


Written for the Strifehart kink meme on livejournal. I've consistently had trouble with writing, and finishing what I start, the last couple of years so the occassional inspiration this meme gives me makes me hope my muses can be revived with some semblance of permanece. I'm also trying a slightly different style; cutting down on the description and letting the dialogue stand on its own at times.

**Prompt:** Leon finds Cloud's stash of porn (movies, magazines). To make it different from the "Oh Cloud, you've been a naughty boy I'm going to fuck you now" this humble anon requests that Leon actually gets mad about this. Why? Insecurity over the fact that Cloud resorts to this when he has him as his lover. And I don't mean this as if Leon is going all "I'm a hot piece of meat, how dare you!" No. _No_. Just plain insecurity over the fact that it seems he's not enough.

* * *

**Not good enough**

"Cloud... why do you have a sizeable stash of porn in your drawers?"

"! Why did you- !"

"Yuffie found it" Leon cut in sharply, "so everyone knows now. I just want to know... why?"

"... I'm a man Leon, and besides, I didn't always have you."

"I know that but..." Leon clenched his jaw to prevent himself from biting his lip, remembering Yuffie's gleeful (and loud) scrutiny of everything that drawer contained. "But the most recent issue is from last week. I confirmed the date myself."

Cloud was about to say something rather offensive but closed his mouth when he caught a sliver of fear in Leon's eyes. Fear of what, Cloud didn't know but it unsettled him. So he shrugged and attempted to smooth it over; "It's just porn, no big deal."

"No big deal huh? Then why do you need it when you've got me? Aren't I good enough for you?" Leon crossed his arms tightly and stared at Cloud with a coldness that didn't quite managed to hide the hurt and fear.

"That- that's stupid!" Cloud spluttered, trying to grasp what Leon was thinking. "Why would you think that? Of course you're good enough."

"Then why the porn Strife? Why are you looking at other men if I'm 'good enough' for you?"

"So now I'm not allowed to even _look_ at other people?"

"That's not what I meant!"

"Then what did you mean?"

"I meant in a sexual way! I know you're a horny bastard but..." Leon swallowed, words failing him.

"Yeah, so what am I supposed to do when you're busy then?" Receiving no reply Cloud pressed on, feeling insulted and angry; "You're always busy Leon, busy and tired. Can you really blame me for seeking relief by my own hand when you're too tired to bother with me?"

"But Radiant Garden needs-"

"'Radiant Garden needs to be restored, needs a leader' I know, but that's all you ever do! You never even take a fucking break! And I don't want to be just a twice-a-week-tension-relief-fuck to you, though it's usually only once a week, I want more than that."

"But I can't just abandon Radiant Garden-"

"And I'm not asking you to either, but would it kill you to have sex with me a little more often?"

Leon looked to the side, clenching his jaw tightly and fought the urge to either cry or trash the living room they stood in. "... It doesn't matter..."

"Huh? Of course it matters! What-"

"_No it doesn't!_ It all boils down to same thing anyway; I can't satisfy you, _I'm not good enough!_" Leon stormed, almost fled, out and slammed the door viciously. It was hard to breathe through the tightness in his chest and his vision blurred from the pressure behind his eyes. But he wouldn't cry no matter how painful the hollowness in his heart ached.

_He wouldn't cry.

* * *

_

A week passed and Cloud had barely managed to catch a glimpse of the Restoration Commitee's stoic leader since their argument. It seemed like Leon had remapped his routines to the point where he didn't even eat with the rest of them and slept at irregular hours, though Aerith made sure he ate properly. He had thrown himself into his work with a frantic obsession that far surpassed his usual adamantly huge workload. It was obvious to everyone else; Leon was burning the candle at both ends and he was doing it _fast_.

And nothing anyone said could make him slow down.

Leon felt like he needed to prove himself worthy, _good enough_, to himself if no one else. Being unable to satisfy Cloud had dealt a hard blow to his self esteem as a person, a man. Growing up as an unwanted child among other unwanted children, all he ever wanted was attention and affection, and to get it he needed to be good, excel. Except nothing ever works like that and Squall got left behind, overlooked and forgotten because of his wallflower tendencies. And somewhere along the line as his very survival started to depend on his ability to excel, the original purpose for doing so got lost in the sands of time and forgotten memories.

All he knew right now was that as a leader, no matter how unwilling, he'd never falter, never second-guess himself, but the man behind the facade was worthless, unwanted, not good enough. He'd tried so hard to be everything Cloud wanted, needed, putting his own wants and desires in the second room, _needing_ to be appreciated for his efforts, for excelling. That's why it hurt so_ goddamn fucking bad_ that he wasn't enough.

Because somwhere deep inside of Leon, hidden underneath layers upon layers of ice and gunmetal steel, was a small unwanted child sobbing for _someone, anyone, please love me!_

Cloud on the other hand were faced with various forms of scorn and disappointment from his friends, and a browbeating from Tifa, for upsetting Leon so badly. And he was slowly starting to understand what he'd done wrong. Because while Cloud didn't see anything wrong with servicing himself when no one was available he could kind of understand why Leon had taken it as a personal failure. But he didn't understand why the stoic leader had reacted so extremely badly to it.

He knew one thing though; losing Leon's friendship hurt far more than losing whatever sexual thing they'd had together.

It took another week of thinking, careful talking to the girls and two unsuccessful attempts at talking to the Leonhart glacier before Cloud had formulated some sort of plan of action that could potentially work. It would require a substancial sacrifice on his part but he knew he'd forever regret it if he didn't try his damndest to repair the damage and make amends. If he could swallow his manly pride and dress up like a pretty girl to save Tifa then he can also swallow his personal pride and apologize to Leon. He'd grovel if he had to, because it wasn't until it was all gone that Cloud realized how much Leon's comfortably quiet friendship grounded him and kept him sane when the shadows of his past came to haunt him again and again.

And this time he wouldn't take silence for an answer.

* * *

Three days. Three days of elaborate hide-and-seek before Cloud finally managed to track down and corner Leon in the castle's basement. And even then the glacier attempted to subtly escape. But Cloud, determined to talk, was having none of that and grabbed the back of Leon's fur collar, curling his fingers around Griever's chain and the t-shirt underneath for good measure, tangling brown hair on accident.

"Leon, please listen" he pleaded to Leon's stiff and tense back. Taking a deep breath he mentally steeled himself and took the plunge. "I... I'm sorry for being a selfish jerk. I'm sorry for hurting you, no matter how unintentionally. I'm sorry for making you think you're not good enough. I'm sorry for... everything. I... I'm not good with people and relations, and sometimes I'll never understand what I've done wrong, but... I want to try and make it up to you. I might have blown any chance I had of ever having sex with you again, but that's okay. S'okay because... your friendship means so much more to me. I never realized... I'm sorry Leon, I never realized how much your mere presence soothes my doubts and nightmares...

"I'm not asking for forgiveness, just for a chance to make amends. Would you at least give me that?"

The silence that followed Cloud's heartfelt speech was almost deafening, long and tense as it was. Leon's back was still stiff though his head was lowered in thought. Cloud's hand holding his collar was shaking and the blond's fear, self-loathing and almost desperate hope was palpable in the air.

Swallowing hard Leon raised his head and turned halfway around to finally _look_ at Cloud for the first time in two and a half weeks. He looked almost as bad as Leon felt.

"... I'll think about it" he conceded at last. Cloud's whole body sagged with relief. While the statement might not seem very positive it wasn't outright negative either.

"You won't regret it, promise."


End file.
